Day 1: The diagnosis.

Oh little Brighton how she has changed us. Lets start from the beginning shall we?

Shaun and I always said we wanted to have our kids close together so when we were pregnant with Carter we knew that #2 wouldn't be far behind. A few months later we were pregnant again and I was actually excited! I knew what to expect a little more and felt like it was going to be MUCH easier to take on, at least not as scary. Of course it would be wild having 2 kids only 14 months apart but I felt that if #2 didn't have the horrible reflux we would be able to handle it all just fine.

Then came the day for Brighton to come. Earlier in the day I started to feel contractions and they just seemed different. About 3 that morning I decided that I should probably call my doctor. The contractions weren't close together but they were consistent and were starting to hurt. I woke Shaun up, packed a bag, took a shower and we headed in. 5 hours later Brighton was here! My labor/delivery has shown to be pretty easy. This time I literally pushed once then my body just took over from there. It was weird. Brighton was perfect, she has a full head of hair, weighed 7 lb 2 oz and was 19 inches long. Oh and she was 3 weeks early, can you imagine if I went the full 40 weeks? YIKES. There must have been something off with my due date.

Shaun and I were sooooo in love. I called my mom right away to bring Carter and seeing them together was amazing. I had 2 kids! 2 awesome kids. My mom took Carter home and Shaun and I settled in for the night. That night was great Brighton would whine  a little when she was hungry so I would nurse her and then moments later she would be asleep. She also nursed PERFECTLY... total opposite of Carter. The next morning we woke up and started to talk about if we wanted to go home that day or not. I was healing great, Brighton was doing awesome so we figured we might as well get out of there!

At 24 hours old the hospital will run a few tests and one of those is the pulse-ox test. Its a brand new test and its only offered/required in a few states in the country. Carter had the same test done last year and we found that the machines that they use to run them are quite finicky. It took them a couple tries but eventually Carter passed and we were sent home.

This time was different. Brighton failed, and failed, and failed. I brushed it off chalking it up to the machines but the nurse was persistent and said she wanted to get the right score right away.  Now that I look back on it I realize how nervous that nurse actually was, she knew what was going on. She took Brighton to the NICU to get another test done and I decided I would take a nap and Shaun would run to check on Carter (who had a 104 fever) while we had the break. About an hour later I woke up to realize the Brighton wasn't back. I went to grab the phone to call the NICU and just as I was dialing in walked the nurse, a unfamiliar doctor and my OB. My heart sunk. Some thing was wrong. I could tell. They asked where Shaun was and told me that it would be best if they came back. Of course there was no way I could let them just leave with out telling me what was going on! The nurse sat behind me and my OB to my side and the unfamiliar guy pulled out a bunch of pictures with a cartoon like heart. "Brighton has a very significant heart defect" those are literally the only words I remember. I know he drew a bunch of things explaining what was going on but I wasn't processing anything. I then remember the nurse saying I'll rush Sydnee's discharge papers so she can go. I was confused because I couldn't remember what they had said about going anywhere.  Come to find out the doctor had already called the Children's hospital telling them to send the life flight. We were only 30 miles away from the Children's hospital so the fact that we needed a helicopter really showed how scary the situation was. They left the room and I called Shaun doing my best to tell him what had just happened. I sat in the room for a little while just trying to process what they said. They kept telling me Brighton is in Critical condition but she is stable. Once Shaun got to the hospital we went down to the NICU and had everything explained. During that time the doctors decided that the Helicopter wasn't necessary but she still needed the angel team ASAP, its just that the ambulance would be enough.

While we were signing papers Shaun and I decided Carter needed to go to the doctor since his fever was so bad and wasn't breaking with Tylenol or Ibuprofen. We learned quickly how to divide and conquer. We decided I would stay with Brighton and Shaun would take care of Carter. I can honestly say I have never been so stressed in my life. You know how people say that when things are bad they can feel things crashing around them? Well its true I literally felt like there was people surrounding me dropping glass bottles to shatter at my feet. Now that I say that its sounds very dramatic but I remember truly feeling that way. Carter was sick, Carter was stressed, Brighton was sick, Brighton was really sick, Brighton was about to have surgery, and Shaun and I couldn't even be together to deal with it all. It was intense, and scary. I remember calling my dad and the only thing I could get out was "its bad" within minutes he had everyone on a plane headed towards us. I remember feeling so overwhelmed that when he told me he was coming I literally about fell, It felt so good to know that Shaun and I's parents were on there way and were going to help sort everything out and get us through it. We weren't alone.

Once Shaun left I had a few moments to sit and snuggle Brighton. It was really weird to see her hooked up to so many cords when not even an hour before I thought she was completely normal and ready to go home. A few moments later a nurse popped her head in and said the angel team was there and ready to start the transfer. I will never forget how comical it was to see them walking in. They walked in like they were S.W.A.T and were VERY confident in their abilities to say the least. They were bad-a and they walked the walk and talked the talk. I loved it, it was great to have a little humor in my world. Once they got all the lines transferred over they stuck Brighton in a little blue box and we headed out to the transport truck. I watched them load her in the back then took my seat up in front. The ride down to the children's hospital was actually really therapeutic. For the first time that day I had absolutely no distractions and I was able to think and process everything. By the time we got to the hospital I felt like I could understand what the doctors were saying and understood the situation much better. I even started to remember the terms the doctors were using!

When we got to the children's hospital everything felt different. I understood what was going on and you could tell that the nurses, doctors and staff were all very comfortable with Brighton. She was just another patient and even though its sad to say I was so glad to see how they treated her as if it was no big deal. Heart defect and critical condition weren't scary words for them and it was nice, for once that day I felt calm. The room was weird however, since it was the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit or CICU everything was open the babies had stalls rather than rooms. There are a few rooms in the unit but those are reserved for the older children who are aware and need privacy. For Brighton she just had a little spot and the nurse sat at the end of it keeping a watchful eye on her at all times. The nurses were only assigned one patient and at a time so they never were far away. We weren't able to sleep at the hospital but we were able to stay as long as we would like, if our eyes were open. I waited for Shaun to come down after taking care of Carter. Turns out that the fever was rising for the poor boy and we were told that if it wasn't gone with in 3 days he needed to be taken to the Emergency Department, which didn't help calm my anxiety as your can imagine. Either way Shaun came down to the hospital and we finally had a minute to talk about everything that had just happened in our world. I think that night we ended up going to bed around 3 am.  That night I remember laying down and just begging for some type of comfort, for something to feel OK but I never did. I couldn't calm my fears but I could sleep and that was a blessing. Moving forward I would like to make this blog a journal for Shaun and I. Which means you may see some very vulnerable stuff pop up now and then. Its going to be quite the journey with this little one, but I know we can do it. She can do it. She is stronger than I am and I'm so proud of her. She truly is my hero.