It will work.

Looking back on the last year everything makes more sense. Things happen for a reason, I now have absolutely no doubt in that.

Throughout Brighton's pregnancy I have felt a little uneasy. I felt like something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was. When I was pregnant with Carter I was scared of delivering a baby and sometimes the anxiety would keep me up. One night I remember praying asking for comfort, and got a calming, comforting feeling that everything would be ok. I was going to be ok. With this last pregnancy I felt the same anxious feeling and again started to pray when my brain wouldn't shut off at night. This time all I could get was "it will work out" I remember hearing those words and my anxiety shooting through the roof. What does that mean? Am I going to die?!?! My kids, and Shaun? Why does that sound like a " warning"?  I tried not to think to much of it because well, I felt dramatic but every time I thought about the baby inside me I could feel that feeling of something being off. Nothing specific, just off.

I decided to start to prepare for the worst,  I even signed us up for life insurance policies... just in case. It was crazy, I felt crazy. I tried to hint to Shaun every once in awhile that something seemed wrong and try to some how prepare him. But how do you say that?

Then the chance to move came up. But oddly enough I NEVER felt like we would actually do it. I was excited that we might be. I so wanted to move back west and to buy a home in the country and maybe finally have a horse again but it just never seemed real. Then when Shaun called me about the new offer I knew that we would be staying. Thats just what felt right. I never once felt bad about staying or bummed, which was weird since i'm not a huge fan of this place. Staying felt right, I didn't feel like it was our time.

Then fast forward 6 months to when I  decided my mom needed to come help since I was feeling so sick and had no energy to take care of Carter or get anything done for the baby or around the house. She came a month before I was due and the plan was to have her help before the baby and the other family members would help when little one came. BUT then Brighton came early. The day my mom was suppose to fly home. In my opinion, not a coincidence.

Because my mom was there she was able to take care of Carter while the rest of us handled the whirlwind Brighton brought with her. And because we decided not to move we were able to take Brighton to a hospital that happened to have a surgeon who specialized in Brighton's specific defect. and because I had been warned and I was told that "it will work out" I felt more prepared and had a little more hope.

Thus, when things dont make sense hold on, answers or coming. I promise you that. Things don't always makes sense, and its really scary to feel like your wandering through the dark. But your not. Its the plan, always has been. Just keep going,  it will work out.