It's been amazing.

I know that from the last few posts it may seem like our world is completely shattered. And honestly, it was. The last few months have been very hard but we are ok! 

We have SO many blessings in our life, we have 2 perfect kiddos who we love more than anything. Carter is our little light who can take away all our stress with his giggles and jabber. He has been someone I have leaned on more times that I can count. He is a strong little guy and even though this has been wild for him, he hasn't shown it.  He adapts to all the new "babysitters" quickly and hadles Shaun and I being away for days at a time just fine. His little smile and giggle truly light up our worlds, as corny as that sounds. 

We have Brighton. Against the odds, she made it. She is healthy. She is whole. And she is PERFECT! She came to this world to shake us all up and refocus us. And that she did. She taught me more lessons the last few months than I have learned my entire life. She brought our family closer together.

We have our family, our family that spring into action. My mom who dropped everything both times I called and was here the next day. My dad who flew out the crew and was here literally hours after Brighton was diagnosed the stayed till he knew we were ok. Debbie who literally flew across the country 4 times in a week (2 times in one day!) so she could be there for Brighton and for her surgery. Shaun's mom has came both times with a one way ticket and has no plans on leaving until Brighton is in our home and I can finally be with both my kids at the same time! And every other family member who joined us in fast, prayers and lots of tears. We have them. They helped us, they kept us going. 

Then we have our friends we have made here in Georgia. They guys Shaun works with, especially his boss have been more then understanding. A friend of ours who also works closely with Shaun dropped every thing he had planned for Memorial Day weekend to go and run a big even Shaun had planned, because Brighton was having surgery. Our ward has given us more love and support than they could even imagine. They truly are our ward family and I'm not sure what we would do with out them! 

And we have each other. I have Shaun. Shaun held me up when I literally couldn't stand. He has been so in tune with my feelings and knows instantly when I'm about to fall of the edge. He has shown me how much I need him in my life and how lucky I am to have him over and over again. He has juggled a demanding job, a child in the hospital, and emotional wife and a wild toddler with such perfection I truly don't know how it's  been possible. We have grown closer together threw this, and reminded how truly blessed we are.

We are so lucky to have this in our lives. As much as I would give anything to take this burden from Brighton, I'm thankful for it. I truly am. The hardest 3 months of my life have also been some of the most rewarding.

Life is good folks, really hard, but really good. 

Round 2

Hello my dear family (and friends)!

Last week (Thursday) Brighton was admitted back into the hospital :(. That day things just seemed to be off with her and I noticed that she seemed to be really warm when I got home from the grocery store. I ended up searching all over the house for a thermometer and found that her temp was 102.8. My heart sunk. A fever was bad... really really bad. I started making calls to see what the doctors suggested and just like we thought they wanted B back to the hospital ASAP. They even offered to sent the Angel team again. Comforting right? She was ok so Shaun and I loaded her up, asked the neighbors to watch Carter, and we headed back down to the same hospital she had the surgery at. Sadly, I guess the only way for kids to get admitted is to do their time in the ER.  We walked in, they rushed us to a room and started tests right away. They did everything they could thing of, even did a lumbar puncture to make sure is wasn't meningitis! Sadly everything kept coming back negative but Brighton was actually starting to look worse and worse and after the lumbar puncture, she even stopped breathing! It was terrifying. Obviously the doctors didn't like that so finally 10 hours later she was moved back up the the CSU. The next day they found that the blood cultures they took were starting to grow bacteria which was pretty much a sure sign that her little heart had caught an infection.  They let the culture grow for a few more days and were able to narrow down exactly the strain and how strong it is. Because they were able to narrow it down so much they were able to pick a specific antibiotic that would attack it as best and fast as possible. Since then Brighton has been SO much better. She's awake a lot more, eats really well, and even makes cute little coo's that melts our hearts. Because she has a pretty intense bacteria, the doctors feel it would be best to stay here 6 weeks while the antibiotics run their course. Obviously it's slightly depressing, but honestly somewhat nice as well. I think having her home would be a little stressful. I would worry about the antibiotics and her IV's. Especially with wild man Carter around. He's very curious and very fast these days. I also like the idea of us going home with a healthy baby. Today Brighton had to have a little procedure done to put a central line in. Pretty much this is a permanent IV that runs from the back of her shoulder to the top of her heart. By having this she doesn't have to be hooked up to any wires and won't have to have any more blood draws!

To put the line in they put her completely under and even put in a breathing tube. I think they do this because its a pretty delicate procedure and they need her to be as still as possible. Taking her down was sort of hard but knowing that she was pretty much just getting an IV, I was able to hold back the tears. For once. Still sucked walking away, that never will get easy. She was down stairs for about 2 hours and when she came back I more or less ran to the hall and scooped her up. Its been nice this time around, there hasn't been really any restrictions on holding her or leaving the room and I'm loving it. From here on out we hopefully wont have anything more to report. It should be pretty boring and we are actually praying that it is. I wouldn't mind at all if I went crazy from the repetition. Slow and boring is a wonderful thing when it comes to hospital stays. Through all of this I cant begin to say how thankful I am for good, caring doctors. Everyone on Brighton/s case, the cardiologist that diagnosed her, her pediatrician, and the staff here at CHOA have been better than you can even imagine. Her pediatrician even made a trip down to come visit her and gave me his personal cell number! Amazing I tell ya!

Everyone has asked how we are doing and handling it all. And to be 100% honest, Its hard. Something weird though is that I feel like I've become numb to the stress, anxiety and fear. I've learned over the last few weeks that everything has to be taken moment by moment with Brighton and swallowed in tiny doses. Seeing my little girl go through so much is horrible and I would give anything to make it so no children had to endure this. Shaun and I have both have decided that there should be some earthly law that sickness doesn't apply to children under the age of 18. Being a parent to such a sick little kiddo is draining and its not fair that these little kiddos have to go through something like this! There's been a few days where I feel like I'm standing in a standoff with some imaginary cloud trying to take take my little girl from us. But we are winning. The doctors are behind us pulling their guns faster than the cloud and he is getting weaker and weaker. There has been so many scary days but there has also been some really amazing moments. Seeing Carter give his sister kisses and hugs, or hearing Shaun walk in  and say "hey sweet heart" brings so much happiness. I absolutely love having her here on this earth and having her be apart of our family.

Carter is also doing awesome. He's my favorite little buddy and always has us laughing. He's had to sacrifice a lot as well the last couple months and I know its not easy on him. Honestly thats probably the hardest part of all of this, not being able to be with both kiddos as much as I would like. But he's getting lots of attention from grandparents and we do our best to spend as much time with him as we can. Right now he is getting more and more wild as the days go on. He has found a new love of climbing and will scale our fridge, stove, and even the dining table. He is all about getting a rise out of people so he will run up and "scare you" then fall on the ground laughing when you scream or jump. He also does this funny thing where he arches his back and pushes out his belly. We cant help but laugh our head off when he does it. Why in the world he does some of the dorky things he does I will never know. But I love it. He's also started to understand us better and will respond with "ya" or  "uh" when he does and doesn't want something. Most of the time its "ya" no matter what so things can get quite confusing. His stories have also become quite elaborate and animated. He will lean forward with his fist out and turn bright red he gets so into them. Pretty much he is a BLAST to have around.


Thats it for the update as of now. I'll try to keep up on this more. Shaun and I both feel its a good way to journal this whole adventure so check back in periodically if your curious! Also, here is a few pictures as of late. We love you guys!

 

Recovery

Ok guys this is when its going to get really intense and the pictures are pretty hard to look at.

After we got back from dinner Shaun and I rushed to the CICU to see Brighton. Before the surgery we had been prepared on what we we would see. They explained that she would be extremely swollen because of how the body reacts to being put on the bypass machine and the trauma. They also told us to not be afraid of al the tubes and wires coming out of her. They did everything they could to prepare us, and even took us to see a baby that had just came out of surgery.  I remember standing over that baby and thinking "this isn't so bad". Oh you naive mind.

We walked in the room and went to the sink to washed up feeling like my stomach was full of concrete. We walked over to her stall and saw our beautiful baby girl. Only she looked nothing like our beautiful girl. She was so swollen and almost unrecognizable. I stood next next to her and stared, scared to touch her. I started to feel dizzy so I grabbed a chair and sat down. I touched her hand and her skin was so tight it almost felt like it might pop from the pressure. Then I looked under the cloth and I felt the panic attack come on. I told Shaun I was going to let Deb come in and more or less ran off the unit. When I stepped outside I felt like I couldn't breath. I blamed it all on peeking under the cloth to where you could see her heart but, it wasn't that. It was everything. I just needed a minute. Shaun came out and gave me hug asked if I was ok and I remember forcing myself to not cry. No more crying, my body cant take anymore.

We decided to run to the hotel to grab our things so we could stay the night in one of the "sleep pods" the hospital offers. Mostly I needed some time to regroup. I started to feel guilty that I lost it and that I just ran out on our little girl. She was completely helpless and in pain and I couldn't pull it together. We got back to the hotel and I sat on the bed and bawled... the ugly cant breath type cry. Shaun just held me and kept saying this is the bad part, it will get better. I so hoped so.

We got back to the hospital  put our stuff in the pod and said goodbye and thank you to my parents who were headed home the next morning. After they left we took a few minutes to truly pull it together. I had talked myself up enough that I felt like I had it. I stood up straighter and just overall felt stronger. I had this. I can be strong for her. No more running away.

We walked in and I noticed that there were a bunch of doctors standing around her and staring at the monitors. NOOOOO. As we walked to the stall they obviously could see my concern. They immediately started explaining things and I felt like they were talking waaayyy to slow. Get to the point guys, is she ok?  Her heart rate had started to race to really scary high pace. They gave her some type of medication to regulate it, but it wouldn't bring it down. They had just pushed more as we were walking over so now they were waiting to seeing if it would drop. Hence the monitor staring. Well it did. But only a little.  I kept looking back and forth between the doctors and the monitors. They were so calm, this was no big deal to them, how are they so calm? Soon the monitors started to ding and we saw her heart rate begin to increase. I almost lost it again. No running. You can do this Syd. Now I was glued to the monitors and could feel my chest get tighter and tighter with every beat Brighton's heart made. Then a doctor looked at me and obviously noticed how concerned I was His exact words were "please don't look at the monitors and worry. We will watch for you, that's what we are here for" I'm pretty sure I will never forget that, it changed everything for me. I learned in one sentence, to trust the doctors, to let them do their job. They weren't stressed about this because this WAS their job, this was just another day in the office.

That night we stayed up till 2 or 3 just staring at the monitors and trying to talk the nurses into covering her up with a blanket. (being cold makes the heart rate drop). The nurse that night was a cute little lady from Ireland that told us stories of Brighton beach in England. "its a beautiful beach, you picked a perfect name" Eventually she talked us into going to bed and so we did. I think I slept for a couple hours then woke up and wasn't going back to sleep. I got and went to Brighton's stall where I sat by her and tried to warm up her little body as much as I could switching from one hand to the foot to the others over and over.

The next few days were a blur, little by little her little body started to take over again and she stopped relying on medications and machines to keep her alive. Her heart rate dropped so they weened her off that medication. Her heart started beating on its own so they weened off her pacemaker. Seeing her progress was amazing. She was doing amazing. We were so happy.

The CICU is a really rough place. They actually dubbed it ICU Psychosis. Sadly 1-3 babies pass away weekly in the CICU and sadly, I experienced that a couple times. I started to feel guilty that Brighton was doing so well. It wasn't fair that I was happier and other families were still having such a rough go. The staff is really good to try and keep it away from the other parents and patients but because everything is so open, you see the chaos.  Each time I would look back to Brighton and just long to hold her, to see her wake up. I know one day I will have to go back into the ICU and I know its going to be extremely hard. Im pretty sure I have hospital PTSD... is that a thing? Yesterday (2 months later) I went into the ICU to pump in their room and felt sick to my stomach. Those poor families. Those poor babies. I then ran out and didn't ever make it to the pump room. Maaayybe later, or never that's fine too.

The next week is a blur now, I wish I wrote about it as we went but life was still a little too upside down then. I remember being moved to the CSU and feeling guilty that we were graduating. I felt horrible walking past the other families. I was jumping up and down inside but tried my best to not show it. When we got to the CSU I let my smile go and started asking over and over is i could hold her. The nurses were probably so annoyed. Finally they took out the last few wires which made it safe for me to hold Brighton! I remember scooping her up and taking a seat in a wooden rocking chair and feeling like I had no idea what to do. Do I just sit here? Is it safe to hold her for as long as I want? Can I move? She's so fragile!

Shaun and I took turns staying at the hospital and seeing Carter. When discharge day came around (a week later!) We were truly shocked and even tried to stall a little bit. Finally the staff literally told us we needed to go so we stuck Brighton in the car seat and headed for home. We were going home. 2 weeks later, 2 draining weeks later, 2 horrible weeks, but 2 blessing filled weeks later we were going home.

Surgery.

I want warn those who read this, this post and the next will be VERY heavy and I put some pictures of baby girl that are extremely vulnerable. At least I feel they are. I want to put them because its real life, its her life. And if you really think about it, it's actually really amazing.

Anyway, moving on to the story. The next few days after she was admitted were just a waiting game. Unfortunately she was admitted on memorial day weekend so the doctors were MIA. They were around if there was an emergency but thankfully Brighton wasn't considered one. Shaun and I's days were filled by meeting with the doctors, running back and forth from the hotel, and trying to get little Carters temp under control. My little brother Caden even took a little bit of a detour to be there for Brighton and just stop in to say hi. I have never felt so lucky to have the family I do until that weekend. I still can't believe how everyone sprung into action to be here for little sis. We spent a lot of time meeting with the cardiologist and doing research on the surgeons and the hospital in general. We obviously wanted Brighton to be in the best hands she could be for this surgery so we were even talking about transferring her to Boston. We decided that Atlanta was the right place for Brighton and moved forward with planning and understanding her surgery. Since it was memorial day weekend the doctors were going to come in that Tuesday and have a discussion about what they thought was the best course of action. Things like exactly what surgery they should do, should they fix everything at once, and make sure they totally understood what they were going to see when they opened her up. The plan was for her to have surgery on Wednesday or Thursday after the doctors got together.

Since the surgery was a few days away our family all headed back home to get back to their own responsibilities. Everyone but my dad left, He stayed to help us get through the surgery and more or less be there to help make sure we weren't missing something, especially since Shaun's and I heads were still spinning. About 2 hours after we sent everyone home we got a call from a surgeon saying Brighton was to go into surgery the next morning. WHAT?! We thought we had 3 or 4 days to prepare for this! We rushed to the hospital to sit down with one of the attendings and talked about what exactly was going to happen the next morning. I remember sitting with him trying my best to not go numb... to keep my brain sharp and to really listen. My mind kept wandering off into random what if's which is a really scary place to go when it comes to something like this! Lucky Shaun and my dad were more on point and were asking all the right questions. Once we got everything squared away we went back to the hotel and tried to get some sleep.

That night Shaun and I said a prayer and begged that Brighton would be ok. We begged that she would be strong and that the surgery would go well. I can honestly say that no prayer has every been that hard or scary to say. I now know what it feels like to truly turn everything to Gods hands and to trust in his plan. I knew that it was all his will and that either way that was what was going to happen but I was hoping like crazy that his will was that Brighton would be ok.

The next morning we woke up and rushed to the hospital. Before they took her back we had a few minutes to hold her. Those minutes were so scary. She was going in for a major surgery that was really complex. The doctor was literally using his hands and tweezers to re-plum Brighton's strawberry size heart. She would be ok, She had to be ok.

The nurses and surgical team came to Brighton's stall and told us it was time. I laid our little girl on the bed and Shaun and I along with my parents walked her to the doors or the OR. They put down the side of her crib and told me to kiss her and say "see you later".  I bent down and kissed her on the head and felt her little hand wrap around my finger. I was a mess. I wanted to grab her off the bed and run as far from those doors as I could get. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I unwrapped her finger and kissed her one more time then turned around feeling like I was about to fall. But Shaun was there and wrapped his arms around me and held me up. He then passed me off to my dad so he could kiss Brighton as well and we all stood there sobbing as they pushed her through the doors. The next 8 hours were going to be the longest hours of my life, of our lives.

Every hour a nurse from the room would call the waiting room and the secretary would yell out the last name of the patient. From there a family member would go grab the phone and get an update. I knew they wouldn't call and tell us over the phone is something bad happened but I would still tense up and literally hold my breath each time Shaun went and answered it. I would stare at his face the whole time he was on with them trying to read into what was being said. If you know Shaun you know he's about as cool headed as it gets so reading into his facial expressions or body language never got me far. He was really good to always give me a nod to say things were good and I would take a deep breath. It was a really good thing my parents were there, they were a great distraction. We talked about horses, looked and ranches my dad wanted to buy, and they even talked us into going and eating.  Although the 8 hours were long it actually went by really fast. Until the last hour.

All thought out that day my stomach was churning and really starting to get to me, when they called to tell us Brighton was done, and that the surgeon was on his way out to talk to us I felt even worse. I went to the bathroom right away and tried to prepare myself for whatever we were about to be told. I so hoped that the surgeon would say it went absolutely perfect but I knew there was always a chance, and I was so scared of that chance.

We all walked into this little room and in walked the surgeon who looked like he had just been through the ringer. You could tell he was tired and worn. He looked like he needed a dang good nap after that. Can't blame him, he literally just spent the last 6 hours moving things around that were the size of pen tips and some were even smaller than a piece of hair! It amazing that he was able to do it! He told us everything went well and that the next 24 hours were extremely crucial. If she made it past that we could all breath a little easier.  He also told us that he left her chest cavity open and that he would reassess and close her in a couple days. It's extremely common for that to happen, since the body and heart become so swollen it puts to much pressure to try and close the chest cavity. Because of this they wait few days for the swelling to go down and then the surgeon comes back and actually does the procedure right in the CICU.

Since it takes awhile for them to get Brighton settled back in the CICU we decided to grab dinner. We went to a favorite little spot of ours. I was still feeling pretty sick so most of my time out was spent back in the bathroom, but the food did taste good so it wasn't a total loss. We grabbed a Popsicle to go and headed back to see our little miss.

Very different

The last couple weeks have been hard. A different kind of hard from the first time around, though. The stress is very different. Last time we were truly scared to death, she was going in for a huge surgery and we literally had no idea if she would be ok. This time I'm not worried about her dying at any minute and its very obvious that she's actually feeling pretty good! But this stress is more of a draining prolonged type stress. Hospitals are depressing as it is, add sick children to the mix and it is almost unbearable. I absolutely hate seeing all of these sick little ones around us and my stomach literally turns upside down when I see some that look so worn and fragile. It's not fair. These kids should be out playing and running. 

There's also a odd relationship you start to gain with the other parents. We can almost say everything with one glance. Today I was out in the garden area giving Brighton a little fresh air and looked up to see a mom and dad pushing their little boy who was probably 5 or 6 in a wheel chair. It was very obvious he was fighting cancer. I gave a quick smile to him the looked at his parents and it's as if we both said "I'm sorry, I get it." In one look. It happens with every parent I pass, I can tell they are saying it to me and I'm sure the feel the same way too. I'm part of the long term hospital crew now and I get it. I get the stress, the worry, the fear. I just get it. 

I've asked a few nurses how they can stand to work in a place that is so depressing. How they can stand to see such innocent children suffer and one told me that I have to learn to look at it different. Rather than seeing all the negative and all the sadness I had to see the positivity the children have, the light they shine, and allow myself to see it as an inspiring thing. That really hit me. I need to change me! These kids are suffering, they fighting things a lot of adults don't have to endure but they rarely complain or get down about it. They are happy and are making the best of the situation. I need to be like them. I am no where near that way of thinking yet, but I'll get there. I know one day I'll see the beauty in it and I know that I am growing every day. The problems or things I use to stress about seem so comical now, almost embarrassing. I have truly  been changed by thing experience and I know I will only continue to change. And I'm so thankful. My world has been re-centered and I am so thankful for that. Brighton has been the most life changing thing that has happened to me. I've become a much better mom, wife, and hopefully all around person because of her. I needed that little girl in my life right now and although this hard, scary and draining. It's been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love my little ones, they truly are my everything! 

I'm working on writing everything down that has happened so far is Brighton's life. Hopefully I'll be all caught up soon.  

Day 1: The diagnosis.

Oh little Brighton how she has changed us. Lets start from the beginning shall we?

Shaun and I always said we wanted to have our kids close together so when we were pregnant with Carter we knew that #2 wouldn't be far behind. A few months later we were pregnant again and I was actually excited! I knew what to expect a little more and felt like it was going to be MUCH easier to take on, at least not as scary. Of course it would be wild having 2 kids only 14 months apart but I felt that if #2 didn't have the horrible reflux we would be able to handle it all just fine.

Then came the day for Brighton to come. Earlier in the day I started to feel contractions and they just seemed different. About 3 that morning I decided that I should probably call my doctor. The contractions weren't close together but they were consistent and were starting to hurt. I woke Shaun up, packed a bag, took a shower and we headed in. 5 hours later Brighton was here! My labor/delivery has shown to be pretty easy. This time I literally pushed once then my body just took over from there. It was weird. Brighton was perfect, she has a full head of hair, weighed 7 lb 2 oz and was 19 inches long. Oh and she was 3 weeks early, can you imagine if I went the full 40 weeks? YIKES. There must have been something off with my due date.

Shaun and I were sooooo in love. I called my mom right away to bring Carter and seeing them together was amazing. I had 2 kids! 2 awesome kids. My mom took Carter home and Shaun and I settled in for the night. That night was great Brighton would whine  a little when she was hungry so I would nurse her and then moments later she would be asleep. She also nursed PERFECTLY... total opposite of Carter. The next morning we woke up and started to talk about if we wanted to go home that day or not. I was healing great, Brighton was doing awesome so we figured we might as well get out of there!

At 24 hours old the hospital will run a few tests and one of those is the pulse-ox test. Its a brand new test and its only offered/required in a few states in the country. Carter had the same test done last year and we found that the machines that they use to run them are quite finicky. It took them a couple tries but eventually Carter passed and we were sent home.

This time was different. Brighton failed, and failed, and failed. I brushed it off chalking it up to the machines but the nurse was persistent and said she wanted to get the right score right away.  Now that I look back on it I realize how nervous that nurse actually was, she knew what was going on. She took Brighton to the NICU to get another test done and I decided I would take a nap and Shaun would run to check on Carter (who had a 104 fever) while we had the break. About an hour later I woke up to realize the Brighton wasn't back. I went to grab the phone to call the NICU and just as I was dialing in walked the nurse, a unfamiliar doctor and my OB. My heart sunk. Some thing was wrong. I could tell. They asked where Shaun was and told me that it would be best if they came back. Of course there was no way I could let them just leave with out telling me what was going on! The nurse sat behind me and my OB to my side and the unfamiliar guy pulled out a bunch of pictures with a cartoon like heart. "Brighton has a very significant heart defect" those are literally the only words I remember. I know he drew a bunch of things explaining what was going on but I wasn't processing anything. I then remember the nurse saying I'll rush Sydnee's discharge papers so she can go. I was confused because I couldn't remember what they had said about going anywhere.  Come to find out the doctor had already called the Children's hospital telling them to send the life flight. We were only 30 miles away from the Children's hospital so the fact that we needed a helicopter really showed how scary the situation was. They left the room and I called Shaun doing my best to tell him what had just happened. I sat in the room for a little while just trying to process what they said. They kept telling me Brighton is in Critical condition but she is stable. Once Shaun got to the hospital we went down to the NICU and had everything explained. During that time the doctors decided that the Helicopter wasn't necessary but she still needed the angel team ASAP, its just that the ambulance would be enough.

While we were signing papers Shaun and I decided Carter needed to go to the doctor since his fever was so bad and wasn't breaking with Tylenol or Ibuprofen. We learned quickly how to divide and conquer. We decided I would stay with Brighton and Shaun would take care of Carter. I can honestly say I have never been so stressed in my life. You know how people say that when things are bad they can feel things crashing around them? Well its true I literally felt like there was people surrounding me dropping glass bottles to shatter at my feet. Now that I say that its sounds very dramatic but I remember truly feeling that way. Carter was sick, Carter was stressed, Brighton was sick, Brighton was really sick, Brighton was about to have surgery, and Shaun and I couldn't even be together to deal with it all. It was intense, and scary. I remember calling my dad and the only thing I could get out was "its bad" within minutes he had everyone on a plane headed towards us. I remember feeling so overwhelmed that when he told me he was coming I literally about fell, It felt so good to know that Shaun and I's parents were on there way and were going to help sort everything out and get us through it. We weren't alone.

Once Shaun left I had a few moments to sit and snuggle Brighton. It was really weird to see her hooked up to so many cords when not even an hour before I thought she was completely normal and ready to go home. A few moments later a nurse popped her head in and said the angel team was there and ready to start the transfer. I will never forget how comical it was to see them walking in. They walked in like they were S.W.A.T and were VERY confident in their abilities to say the least. They were bad-a and they walked the walk and talked the talk. I loved it, it was great to have a little humor in my world. Once they got all the lines transferred over they stuck Brighton in a little blue box and we headed out to the transport truck. I watched them load her in the back then took my seat up in front. The ride down to the children's hospital was actually really therapeutic. For the first time that day I had absolutely no distractions and I was able to think and process everything. By the time we got to the hospital I felt like I could understand what the doctors were saying and understood the situation much better. I even started to remember the terms the doctors were using!

When we got to the children's hospital everything felt different. I understood what was going on and you could tell that the nurses, doctors and staff were all very comfortable with Brighton. She was just another patient and even though its sad to say I was so glad to see how they treated her as if it was no big deal. Heart defect and critical condition weren't scary words for them and it was nice, for once that day I felt calm. The room was weird however, since it was the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit or CICU everything was open the babies had stalls rather than rooms. There are a few rooms in the unit but those are reserved for the older children who are aware and need privacy. For Brighton she just had a little spot and the nurse sat at the end of it keeping a watchful eye on her at all times. The nurses were only assigned one patient and at a time so they never were far away. We weren't able to sleep at the hospital but we were able to stay as long as we would like, if our eyes were open. I waited for Shaun to come down after taking care of Carter. Turns out that the fever was rising for the poor boy and we were told that if it wasn't gone with in 3 days he needed to be taken to the Emergency Department, which didn't help calm my anxiety as your can imagine. Either way Shaun came down to the hospital and we finally had a minute to talk about everything that had just happened in our world. I think that night we ended up going to bed around 3 am.  That night I remember laying down and just begging for some type of comfort, for something to feel OK but I never did. I couldn't calm my fears but I could sleep and that was a blessing. Moving forward I would like to make this blog a journal for Shaun and I. Which means you may see some very vulnerable stuff pop up now and then. Its going to be quite the journey with this little one, but I know we can do it. She can do it. She is stronger than I am and I'm so proud of her. She truly is my hero.

Little Bug is One!

Oh my wonderful friends and family this last month has been GREAT!  First off another change happened with Shaun's job....  surprised? Me either.

A few weeks ago he was approached about moving to hay rather than high horse power tractors. The "hay guy" had accepted a job in the field and they(AGCO) needed someone that knew something about hay. Like many of you know Shaun grew up on a pretty big dairy and part of that was raising their own feed for the cows. Thus, he knows hay. He feels pretty good about changing products because he is more familiar in someways with the hay products and enjoys is just as much! He however is having to learn how to trust himself and take charge of some really big decisions. He feels like he's still too young and too new to the corporate world to make these type of decisions but he is doing great and starting to feel like he's getting the hang of it! Its been really interesting to see how Shaun's mentality about making decisions and being more assertive has changed the last month. I'm actually really proud of him. He's doing really well! Sadly all this means some crazy work days and crazy travel schedules. I thought his time would free up once he finished his MBA and in someways it has, But.... I think I see him less now, geesh. busy man.  Its fine though, he's working hard doing great and providing a pretty amazing life for us! So I don't complain too much.... ha. 

This last month we were able to head out to Utah for Ariell's wedding. Would you believe that I literally only took 1 picture the whole time we were out there? oops. Shaun was traveling that week so I headed out early to spend some time with Shaun's family. Especially since his sister was there from Costa Rica! After a few days of hanging around we kicked it into high gear on Thursday and headed up to Logan for the wedding.  Carter and I were the lucky ones that got to ride in the truck with Shaun's parents. It was a great ride until Carter started having a FIT. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on,  it was intense. Then it happened. Throw up EVERYWHERE. Shaun's dad about drove off the rode when he heard Carter violate his poor truck. I hurried and got Carter out and started to undress him while we pulled into gas station. I should have waited, lets just say it very much came out both ends. Stinking Kid. literally. Why does that always happen in those type of situations?  So disgusting. 

Anyway, we got up to logan and immediately started setting up the reception. about an hour in I was DYING for food, well more like DYING for road house rolls and begged Shaun to come up with a way we could all go. Luckily it didn't take much convincing of his dad and we were all headed on our way. We made up for it by staying up till the wee hours of the morning finishing the decorating. Ariell's wedding was perfect and I loved going to the temple and being apart of a sealing again. There's just something different when you attend as a wedding, especially when that wedding is for family.  Welcome to the family KADEN! Like you already know, the Allred family is the best!

Another fun thing that has happened lately is that Carter turned ONE!  That little boy is truly awesome. I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant and I thought my life was ending. I wasn't ready, but then he came and I realized how lucky I am! Even though he was THE WORST newborn ever causing me more tears of frustration than I can count we still could tell there was a fun happy little boy in there somewhere. As soon as we got the reflux under control we saw the true carter start to come through. He's the happiest, easy going little guy around and his personality is quite fun. He now walks and "talks" all day telling me stories of who knows what. He also is OBSESSED with his dad. On the weekends poor Shaun has to hold him 100% of the time because Carter will push or swat me away if I come near. When Shaun is out of town Carter will grab our family picture and just stare and stare. I think having Shaun gone most weeks is hard on the little guy but he makes sure to make up for the lost time on the weekends. I love seeing it. I  decided to put together a slideshow movie deal with all the pictures and videos we took over the last year. Here is the link if you'd like to watch it! Carter's 1st  (<<< thats it)

As of late Carter LOVES....
His bus its now where he is about 75% of the day. Not kidding
Hot dogs
Toby- especially when he (toby) is being wild and playing with Shaun
Playing outside
His sandbox
"driving" the truck
Puzzles
Playing chase
Reading books
Riding his dad's four wheeler.

He's not so into...
Sitting
Eating
His carseat

We seriously love everything about that little boy. He's pretty fun.

Also and update on the little girl.
Have I mentioned that I HATE pregnancy? I know some love it and see some amazing magic and beauty in it but....i'm not one of them. This pregnancy has been much harder than Carters but my doctor warned me about that from the beginning. Something about getting pregnant 4 months after I just had one? Ha.... oops. No honestly, it hasn't been too bad at all. I really dont have anything really to complain about and i'm so thankful. We decided this last week that we probably need to get a few things in order and since I have Shaun home for a couple weeks he's getting put to work :) He's doesn't know it yet but this weekend will be full of painting and more painting. Geesh honestly I dont even know what to say about this pregnancy for an update, I really dont pay much attention to it, I  dont even know how many weeks I am!  I think i'm in the ball park of 32-33 so 8 months along. HA! 8 months????  Wow, i'm rambling we obviously need to shut this thing down.  Pretty much what you need to know for an update is, Shaun's work life is CRAZY, like we've seen him 3 weeks since January, crazy. (not including weekends thankfully.) Carter is one, and kind of the favorite around here. And I guess i'm 8 months pregnant... ha whoa.

Love you all! Happy reading!